Friendships Change over time

Friendships Ebb & Flow Naturally

I watch my daughter flow effortlessly in and out of friendships. Her friendships are as uncomplicated as the tides. They ebb and flow based on common interests. There are no complications from political or religious viewpoints. While children make an effort not to hurt each other's feelings they have no problem disagreeing on issues. Their opinions  are limited to concrete thoughts - which is the best video game or flavor of ice cream. Their main concern is whether to play princess or ponies.

My adult friendships are so much more complicated and I wonder - "why?"

I think it's because we form opinions as we age. And, the older we get the more entrenched our opinions become. Remember being in college when you could stay up half the night debating politics? Now, I am almost immediately turned off by people whose political viewpoints don't mesh with mine.


Maintaining friendships with people who don't share your views becomes harder as you age. By our mid-forties we are fairly set in our ways. We've had years to determine what we think about the world and are prepared to defend our views.

If you listen to children introduce themselves the typical conversation goes something like this,"Hi. What's your name? Wanna play tag?" If the child is too shy to answer or says no, the kid moves on to the next person and tries again.

As adults we exchanges names, ask about career, neighborhood and where their kids go to school. All of these things help us to unconsciously paint a picture of the person. With a few quick, innocuous questions we create our initial assessment of how closely the person's viewpoints align with ours.

We can estimate their income by their job and neighborhood. This may help us determine if they share common interests and opinions. For instance, people from lower incomes may not have the resources to participate in certain activities. They are less likely to own boats,  play polo or snow ski than people from higher economic brackets. On the other hand, people with higher incomes may make us feel inferior as they may have bigger homes, fancier cars and more expensive clothing.  People from affluent areas tend to be Republicans and therefore more conservative in their political and social views.

Where the children attend school also gives us a lot of information. Does the child go to public or private school?  If the child attends a private school it may indicate that the parents are elitist or that they are deeply religious. If it's a private school is it experimental (Montessori, Waldorf, etc.) or religious? Parents who homeschool their children are typically conservative Christians. They have generally removed their children from public education because they don't believe in evolution, modern medicine and science.

 Like most people, my opinions are based on my education, upbringing and the area of the country where I was raised. They are further influenced by where I went to school, worked and lived as an adult. I am a registered Democrat, relatively liberal in my social and political views. I believe in medicine,  probability, physics and evolution. I doubt the power of prayer and question blind faith.

I have friends with religious beliefs ranging from Christian to Wiccan. For the most part I am tolerant of a wide range of religious beliefs simply because I have no strong belief of my own. I lose patience when people use their religion as a way to discriminate against others or try to convert me. At this point, I am as comfortable with my own lack of religion as I am with my political affiliation.

I think that I am fairly mainstream in my outlook, but I realize that I am only mainstream for the area of the country where I spent most of my life. Living in the Bible Belt I find myself having to swallow my views in the interest of maintaining harmony. I sometimes want to scream when a person who has been seeing a doctor to treat a condition will say that God healed them. I wonder why they bothered with doctor's visits and medical treatments if prayer is so very powerful. It seems inconsistent with their stated belief.

Part of the ebb and flow of childhood friendships is they are often short-lived. Children don't feel a need to maintain a friendship once the mutual interest has ended. I find myself struggling to maintain relationships with people who don't share my interests or even my values. Sometimes I have to maintain these "friendships" due to work relationships or mutual friends. Other times the individual has been a friend for years, but we have changed over time due to our experiences. Sometimes a friendship has simply run its course.

I was friendly with a woman with whom I routinely disagreed because our children played together. I found myself constantly struggling to politely ignore behaviors that struck me as odd or views that I considered ignorant. Her children landed in the hospital with severe dehydration from rota virus because she didn't believe in vaccinations. She hosted a "chicken pox party" to expose other unvaccinated kids to the disease. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when my daughter moved on to other friends.

I am not as tolerant as I once was. Honestly, I am tired of being friends with people who aren't like me. I hate how close-minded that sounds, but I can't ignore the truth. I do enjoy people from different cultures and backgrounds, but I am not comfortable with people who are dramatically different from me. I struggle with friends whose spouses have been arrested as I am fundamentally law-abiding. Having a medically fragile child, I struggle with people who rely on faith to make decisions that impact their child's health or welfare.

I find myself returning to the simpler childhood model of friendship. I make new friends based on common interests. I don't want to argue politics. I don't want to discuss religion. I don't want to hear about their problems or bond for life. I just want to meet someone and say,"Hi, wanna play?"

Minor Miracles

Minor Miracles - Adaptive Softball League

This article first appeared on the Exceptional Parent website in April, 2008. We owe special thanks to so many of Amanda's teachers and paraprofessionals who volunteer their time to Miracle League!

We are very fortunate to have an adaptive softball league near our home. The North Metro Miracle League (NMML) provides inclusive adapted sports for children and adults of all abilities. As their website states, “Each of the NMML players has an on field Buddy to assist with the things the player’s disability makes difficult or impossible. The resulting interaction between buddy and player is an essential part of our mission. We want to remove the barriers to inclusion, accommodation and friendship that often arise just because a person has a disability.”

Amanda has been playing softball with NMML for six seasons now. The environment at the games is relaxed and supportive. During the first season she spent most of the game crying and trying to escape the field. Amanda rarely expresses emotion. It is as unusual for her to cry as it is for her to laugh or smile. My husband and I had to reassure ourselves on every drive home that we were doing a good thing.

During Amanda’s second season, another dad called out, “Way not to cry, Amanda!” There couldn’t be a nicer group of people involved in children’s sports. Everyone cheers as each player walks, rolls or is carried into home plate. There is no score. Still, we felt awful taking her.

We told each other that Miracle League was a good form of exercise for a child who has difficulty walking. We discussed the value of fresh air and socialization with her peers. We’d quote Tom Hanks from the movie A League of Their Own, and remind Amanda, “There’s no crying in baseball.” But mainly, we felt terrible that every Saturday morning we forced our little girl to do something that made her cry in the name of “fun”.

Of course, Saturday morning softball wasn’t the only time that we’ve had to force Amanda to do things she doesn’t want to do. We made her go to therapy several times a week for years. We’ve taken her to have multiple surgeries. In a way, going to baseball toughened us up for all of the other things we had to do for Amanda's benefit.

The most surprising outcome of our participation in North Metro Miracle League has been Amanda’s friendship with Erin. A typical teenager, Erin is Amanda’s first and best friend. For the past three years, Erin has been spending her Saturday mornings acting as Amanda’s Miracle League buddy.

With Erin’s gentle guidance, Amanda stopped crying during games. She even began to cooperate. Now she looks forward to going every Saturday morning. At the beginning of this fall season Erin called to let Amanda know that she was going to be her buddy again. Amanda was so happy that she made a card for Erin. Amanda never draws or colors voluntarily. That in itself was a minor miracle.

Erin’s friendship has expanded beyond the baseball field. She has helped us out at home - she even came to Amanda’s birthday party! Due to her disabilities, Amanda finds social interactions difficult. However, Erin never makes Amanda feel different. They enjoy each other’s company and smile when they are together. Just as the website promised, playing softball really did remove a barrier to friendship for Amanda. As far as we’re concerned, more than exercise or fresh air that has been the biggest miracle to come out of the North Metro Miracle League.

Are there Any Novel Egg Hunt Ideas?

There isn't really too much you can write about an Egg Hunt that everyone doesn't already know. The premise is simple and straightforward - fill plastic eggs with toys and candy, hide them, and let the kids loose to find them.

I looked for ways to vary the process, even searching multiple blogs and websites. The funniest I found had an adult in an Easter Bunny costume getting out of a helicopter. Let's just say that isn't within my budget. Friends offered great suggestions like filling eggs with clues to find a large prize or personalizing eggs with significant events from the guests' lives over the past year. I'm not close friends with everyone we invited so that one might prove tricky. In the end, I decided to stick with the basics. As they say, "why mess with success?"

When I sent out the invitation I was careful to call it an EGG HUNT rather than an Easter Egg Hunt. My brother's family is Jewish and my parents always held a "robin's egg hunt" for his kids so they could have the fun of the hunt without the religious overtones. Since some of our friends are Jewish and Hindu I was hoping they wouldn't think it was a Christian conversion scheme (since I'm not a practicing anything.) I just want to see the kids run around like mad things, fill them up with sugar and send them home hyper.

I know that some people may object to my genericizing the event, however I am not holding it on Easter or even on a Sunday. Having done a little research it appears that there may be pagan origins to the tradition of hunting for eggs in the spring. Also, hard boiled eggs are traditionally part of the Jewish Passover celebration so who am I to say that egg hunts should be limited to little Christian kids? I certainly don't limit my children's friends to only little Christians.

Now, how many plastic eggs do you need for 26 kids? I purchased almost 600. That's roughly 23 eggs per child. How long do you think it will take them all to be a found? A friend commented, " Every Easter egg hunt I've ever been to has lasted about 90 seconds...'" I know things that last less than 90 seconds and are worth doing! (C'mon folks, think....)

We felt that it was important for us to provide the filled eggs as they were the focal point of the party. Filling 600 plastic eggs isn't exactly cheap - figure about 5-10 cents an egg and do the math. Someone suggested that I use the spare change I found around the house to fill the eggs instead of candy. I realized that a better idea would be to use the change to pay for the candy! I came up with almost $20 in change -more than enough to fill the eggs.

Knowing that the kids will all immediately plop down on the grass and eat whatever candy they find in the eggs I assumed that I didn't have to provide much more in the way of food or at least desserts.  Instead of a meal we'll offer drinks and light snacks. Friends generously offered to bring treats to share. 

Not your average party...the Divorce Party

Divorce Party

I'm in NO WAY celebrating divorce. Personally, I have been happily married for well over 2 decades. However, I acknowledge that in some relationships divorce is the best solution for everyone involved.

I recently decided to throw a divorce party for a friend; not to trash her ex or focus on the past, but to help her transition into her new life and to celebrate her independence. Her friends all wanted to show their love and support, knowing that this was a difficult period in her life.

We didn't give her wedding shower-type gifts. Having been separated for more than a year she had already replaced the items she'd left with her ex - wine glasses, toaster oven, etc.

No, we did not give her tacky or trashy gifts - although a few gag gifts were included in the fun. I gave her a copy of The Paperbag Princess, a children's book with a very strong female protagonist. In the story "a prince is kidnapped by a dangerous dragon, and the dragon's breath burns up all the clothes in the palace. The princess who loves the prince can only find a paper bag to wear when she goes to rescue her love. Cleverly tricking the dragon, she enters the cave where the prince, still beautifully dressed, is held captive. Is true love rewarded? No! He at once complains she's "a disaster" badly dressed, dirty and all messed up. She replies that he is a fine and handsome prince--but completely useless. "And, in the end, they didn't marry." I think that marriage is wonderful - but it isn't always the happy ending. The story always continues...

Decorations weren't black or maudlin. There were no voodoo dolls. This wasn't a party about burying the past, but about embracing the future. We used silly cocktail napkins with phrases like "let's party - the prince can wait" and I Dream of Jeannie themed "I don't do the master thing any more".

We served plenty of wine and a cake with the words "Just Divorced" (chocolate, naturally).  The point we wanted to make is that we all supported her as she moved forward.  She had fun and hopefully it helped during a rough time.

This may have prove that I will use any excuse to throw a party...

Ladies Clubs, Aid Societies and other Niceties

Ladies Clubs, Aid Societies...and anachronisms

Even after 15 years in The South I’m still an outsider – a “Northerner.” A few years ago when I received my first invitation to our neighborhood Ladies’ Club Meeting I looked at it with a mix of curiosity and cynicism. As a Northern transplant the idea of a ladies club seemed odd and anachronistic. Still, being new to the neighborhood I decided I’d check it out.

I dressed carefully for the meeting, choosing neat slacks, a sweater and low heeled shoes. Even in the new millennium the vast majority of Southern women seem to feel compelled to “put on their face” before heading out to the corner store. This is still the land of debutantes and social sororities, after all. Where adult women deliberately join clubs and associations with the unexpressed purpose of excluding other women…

When I arrived it was clear that I was under-dressed. The hostess was wearing a lovely dress, stockings and exquisite high heels. She was an older woman with silvered hair and just the hint of crow’s feet around her blue eyes. She had clearly mastered the art of full hair and makeup a long time ago.

The club consisted of women ranging from their mid twenties into their mid sixties. They had enchanting, old-fashioned names like Josephine and Rosalie. Listening to the conversations around me I discovered that some had young children, some had adult children; some worked, some stayed at home; some played tennis, some golfed. Except for an excess of gentility and makeup they seemed like the women I’d known my entire life.

I perched on the edge of an uncomfortable chair, waiting for the meeting to begin. A woman sat down next to me and patted my hand. “You’re new to the neighborhood, aren’t you, honey?” By then I had already learned that in the South “honey” is short for “I knew your name, but I’ve forgotten it.” The joke is that "sugar" means "I never knew your name and don't want to."

Agenda items included everything from the mundane to the bizarre. The final order of business involved social projects. That was what I had come for. I was looking for a sense of fulfillment more than a social network. I needed something more than reruns of “Say Yes to the Dress” to fill my days.

To my surprise, one of the charities suggested was a Baptist Church. I suddenly understood why my Jewish neighbor hadn’t shown up. Christianity is somehow assumed in the South. I’d realized that in the South people bless you when you sneeze, when you hold a door for them or when you do anything nice at all. “Bless your heart” is as common a phrase as “thank you”, perhaps more so.

After about half an hour, the group decided on aiding a halfway house for teenage prostitutes. I didn’t question the cause, just the motivation behind choosing it. When it was settled that “those sweet things don’t want to do that,” wine was poured and everyone felt much better. They’d saved some souls and the world was a better place thanks to them. Now they could get down to the serious business of secretly assessing each other’s taste in clothing.

Re-gifting We Shall Go...

(To be sung to the tune of Jingle Bells...)

Re-gifting we shall go,
picking through our stash-
what can we give away from this pile of trash?
The socks from Sister Sue?
The mug from Uncle Bob?
What the heck was Mom thinking buying a watch fob?

OH -
Candles, soaps, cocoa tins, lots of shower gels,
Towels, socks and other things covered in jingle bells...


All kidding aside, I admit that I have re-gifted items. I consider it an admirable form of recycling. I also understand that times are tough and not everyone can afford to buy gifts.

I try to honestly inform the person when I re-gift. I tend to say something like,"I got this as a gift and I already have one. I thought you might like it." I don't hide the item away in a closet, wrap it up and try to pass it off as a new gift a year later.

Regifting can be a source of good fun between the right people. My cousin and I traded gifts in the same ducky bag for years until we couldn't tape it together any more. I've also received some packaged foods that have been circulated for at least three years. 

I started to wonder,"How long is a smoked sausage good for, anyway?"  Unlike military MREs (meals ready to eat) the shelf life is actually only about 45 days unless frozen. If you'd like to order fresh Hickory Farms gift boxes there is still time this year - so no excuses for re-gifting. Of course survivalists and folks with a quirky sense of humor might appreciate the gift of some MREs. The site states that MREs "will store for up to 5 years" which makes them  ideal for re-gifting!

My favorite re-gifting saga comes from a friend. She bought a lovely, expensive bowl for her mother-in-law. The next year her mother-in-law gave it my friend's mother (obviously forgetting who had given it to her.) My friend's mother later gave her the bowl - never knowing her daughter was the one who purchased it in the first place!

Re-gifting we shall go,
picking through our stash,
what fun it is to give away our unwanted trash!

Christmas Carols and Lullabies

"Sing me to sleep,"my little one asked as I tucked her into bed tonight.

Now, anyone who has heard me sing probably wonders how even a child could ask this. The most charitable thing that can be said for my singing is that I know all of the words. I am so terribly tone deaf that when I was young the kind-hearted director of the church choir suggested that I would be an asset to the bell choir. Translation: "keep your mouth shut." I tried to join the choir in school. I was given a special role - dancer. Again, "keep your mouth shut."

So, beyond drunkenly belting out the words to any song played in a dance club in the 1980s my singing career has been somewhat limited.  In fact, when my oldest was born I realized that I didn't know any songs - except Billy Idol's White Wedding. "There is nothing fair in this world; There is nothing sure in this world; There is nothing pure in this world...." Not exactly a lullaby.

Instead, I sang my little late November baby to sleep with Jingle Bells. When Amanda was little I would put on a Christmas CD and rock her to sleep. By the time Danielle arrived eight years later I'd learned a huge library of Christmas Carols ranging from Holly Jolly Christmas to Do You Hear What I Hear? My favorites being all of the Nat "King" Cole classics and anything from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

So, tonight, in mid-December, I was happy to oblige Danielle with a lullaby. As she drifted off to my tunelessly humming Jingle Bells, she sighed and said,"oh, my baby song..."

"Dear Friends, Family & Others..."

Title "borrowed"  from a recent episode of Modern Family...

Dear friend,

We know that we are friends. When we need to, we can talk, email or text each other. We've laughed together and maybe even cried together. We don't need to talk about our friendship.

However, today I want to remind you, quite simply, that I like YOU. I don't like you because of your intellect, your income or your looks. I like you regardless of the color of your hair or your skin, your religious beliefs or your sexual orientation. I will continue to like you if you gain weight, lose your hair or lose your job.

There is probably no single reason that we are friends. Chances are we shared common experiences that brought us together. More likely, common views have held us together. That doesn't mean that we agree on every topic. It does mean that we respect each other's right to disagree.

It is easier for me to define what I don't like in a person, than what I do. I do not like religious zealots who try to proselytize me. I don't like people who are intolerant of social or political change. I don't like people who are greedy or mean. So, thank you for not being any of those things.

Thank you for being YOU.

Happy Hannukah. Merry Christmas. Happy Kwanzaa.

Love,
Sallie

Christmas letters, blogs and other nuisances...

The BLOG has now become the dreaded Christmas letter - without the cost of postage and with the happy option of ignoring it without adding to your local landfill. I never like those chatty letters about everyone else's perfect life - with photos their immaculately groomed children grinning almost insanely, wearing matching Christmas outfits. You just know some people have been waiting all year to brag about their kids, their good fortune, etc. Of course, if my 8 year old had been to 7 countries in the past year or my 5 year old spoke fluent Mandarin I might be tempted to brag, too.

We all have a web presence now. Many of us have moved beyond what my father deemed the "narcissism" of Facebook into the admittedly more narcissistic Blog.

Now I think you want to know not just what I'm making for dinner or my thoughts at the moment, but details about these things! Hilarious, I admit. On the other hand, if you've read any of my blogs I'm NOT bragging. Bitching, maybe; but bragging, never!

We've had lots of happy moments this year, but there have been trials and tragedies as well. Let's see this blog started with the failure of our sewage ejector pump and continued through a broken hip, hospitalizations and my frustrations with Medicaid. To not acknowledge the bad times minimizes the moments of pure joy that we share. Life, like marriage, is "for better or worse."

My blog started as a way to earn a free trip to Walt Disney World - write 100 posts and get admitted into the MomBloggers club which gets me an inside track to free trips (as long as I blog about them....)  I'm at 59 posts. To my amazement my most recent stats have me at 4,651 "views" - paltry compared to a friend that got 25,000 in  day! However I am proud of my modest success. I think I have to abandon the free Disney dream.  I enjoy writing. As I have admitted, this is the "online diary of a middle aged Mom." However, I can't write about why you should buy all of your gifts through Amazon.com or subscribe to an online shopping service.

Sometimes I'm maudlin, self-pitying or angry. Sometimes I'm introspective or even funny. But, I'm never for sale so bye-bye free trip to Disney. Hello, 2012! Wonder what I'll write about next year...

Not Your Average Under $10 Gift Ideas for 2011

With Black Friday approaching it's time to start thinking about holiday shopping. I have a huge holiday gift list - 37 people, not including the 4 under my own roof. I know, I know...the easiest way to save money at this time of year is to cut people off the list. I could; but I won't.

I also know the "cheapest" gift is home baked goods. I love to bake, but I typically avoid this gift. In the first place, it's labor intensive. Can you imagine baking 37 dozen cookies?!? That's 444 cookies, my friends.

In the second place, I think people aren't really considering the cost of the ingredients they use. A nice tin or box costs about $3 which I agree is inexpensive. However chocolate isn't cheap, neither is butter. A batch of cookies, depending on the type, probably costs $2-5 to bake plus the cost of the packaging.  It is a personal and heartfelt gift. I like the idea, but I need back up plans for this busy time of year.

Purchased food is always an option, assuming you know the recipient's personal tastes. For instance, I detest chutneys and jellies. If I received these as a gift they would go straight to the local food bank. I know other people who love these items.  Women assume that everyone loves chocolate, but my husband could take it or leave it. He'd rather get nuts or something salty. However most people have family or guests who will gladly eat up the things they pass along.

You can also buy plants, ornaments, small kitchen items....I like to receive cut flowers, but some folks are allergic. Plants are theoretically a longer lasting gift. Unless the recipient, like me, forgets to water them regularly.

A teacher once told me that she has an entire box of Christmas ornaments that her students had given her. While she treasured them she didn't use them on her tree - she's Jewish! 

Our babysitter said that her mom (a teacher at my daughter's elementary school) typically receives multiple dish towels and potholders which they turn around and donate to the local soup kitchen. Nice of them. but probably not what the givers intended.

When I searched for inexpensive gift ideas I came up with the predictable soaps, candles, candy, mugs, note papers and socks... If I could knit I might make socks or mittens. But I can't. Aloe infused socks are a possibilty for the dance teachers since their feet take a beating.

I like the idea of gifts that are both practical and whimsical or unique if possible. Here are some off the beaten track ideas that I've come up with. These are suggestions for adults. There are lots of toys and books for children that cost less than $10; you don't need my suggestions. And as far as I can tell all that teenagers want is cash and no matter how much you give them it won't be enough.

These could be stocking stuffers or inexpensive gifts. If you are considering ordering online ALWAYS search the site name and "free shipping code" before ordering. Shipping costs will push these items over the $10 limit. Order from Amazon and you can normally get free super saver shipping with a $25 purchase. If you register and shop through GoodShop a they will make a donation to the charity of your choice. Consider one of these:

•  Instead of another picture frame consider ordering a Cable photo holder from Amazon. Available in several colors. It's about 5 feet long and comes with 8 magnets.
•  How about a stapler that doesn't need staples? Try the Pencil Grip The Classics Staple Free Stapler, (less risky for the little ones). It will only attach 2-5 sheets of paper, but that should work fine for homework, tests, etc. Pier One also carries a panda staple-free stapler for $5.
• Try a variation on the traditional pen and pencil set - You can get a  Smencil and Smen (smelly pen) Set for $5. I've found these at Michael's, Target and other local stores.
• Colored mechanical pencils from Crate & Barrel are available online only for $8.95
• or Smencils - pencils that smell good and are made from recycled materials. You can get a pack of 5 for $7
• These Drumstick pencils   are a little pricey at $8 for a pair, but fun and still functional
• To go with the pencils how about a battery operated pencil sharpener? You can pick one up at most grocery stores for about $4.
• A box of tea bags is okay - a tea infuser stick is cool if the person uses loose tea. There are several brands to chose from. I liked the Crate & Barrel model because it pulls apart rather than hinges so it is easier to use and clean.
•  If you know the person's hobbies you can go for a themed gift. Pier One sells a trio of golf club shaped pens for $5. You can get sports team playing cards for $7 if the person is a fan. (I had to chose NFL Atlanta Falcons Playing Cards since I'm from Atlanta, but there are lots of others.) 
• I think a tiny USB car charger is potentially useful for most people...
• I am also intrigued by the Credit Card Size Survival Pocket Tool. Among other things it claims to include: 1) Can Opener 2) Knife Edge 3) Screwdriver 4) Ruler 5) Cap Opener...
• Do something nice by ordering an item that supports a cause. Ten Thousand Villages is a fair trade retailer with dozens of unique items for under $10.
• These silly file folders from Crate & Barrel won't fit in a stocking, but should bring a smile.

•  Visit One Hope Wines - While these wines exceed my dollar limit, they are worth mentioning for someone special. Half of the profits from each bottle are donated to charity. The site is very clear and specific about the amount of the donation - and you can even select your own charity to receive a portion.

Happy Holiday Shopping!

My Evil Twin

Every daytime drama or sitcom uses the plot device at least once - the evil twin. I know I have one. Or at least a decidedly evil side.

The other day I ran into a woman who doesn't like me. She used to be super-friendly because we did some business with her. By the end of our transaction I hated the fact that she showed up for every meeting in skin tight pants and teeny, tiny tank tops. I hated that she air kissed me when she saw me. I hated that she included a business card with her sympathy card when my mother passed away.

In essence, I hated her but I had to be nice to her because we shared common friends. She was a frenemy. You know as in, from the Urban Dictionary, "someone who you pretend to like but really you both know you hate each other.."

She has since moved away and I no longer see her. However, I ran into her at the mall the other day. She quickly grabbed her cell from her pocket and faked a phone call. I waved and ran up to her, pantomiming that I'd wait. I air kissed her while she carried on her one-sided conversation. I smiled and pretended to drink while mouthing "want to go get some coffee?" Finally she ended her fake conversation in desperation and hugged me. I said, "Oops! Didn't notice the time - gotta go" and walked away.

I laughed til tears ran down my face as I drove away. It was one tiny little bit of payback for all of the times she snuggled up to my husband in her itsy bitsy wardrobe, her boobs popping out while he signed papers. Now if only some one would leave a bag of flaming dog poop on her doorstep I'd feel I'd had my karmic revenge.

Where will my evil twin appear next....

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
With thanks to http://www.neatorama.com/2011/09/07/evil-twins-from-60s-television/ for the images

I'm a Shutterbug -- or maybe a Shutterfly

I am obsessed with photography these days. I took 151 pictures of the girls this month between trips to the pumpkin patch, Special Olympics and Halloween. To compare, I took a total of 96 photos during a 3 week trip to Kenya back in the dark pre-digital age. I can only imagine how many I would take if I'm ever lucky enough to return to Africa. I love the era of digital photography!

I not only love the ability to take so many pictures I love all of the things you can now do with your photos.  I don't make prints and stick them in albums. I create beautiful, archival quality photo books with creative layouts and captions.

I've also used the photo books to create gifts for special friends. My favorite was a children's story called "The Tale of Two Snuggle Turtles" that I wrote for a friend and her daughter.

And lets not forget holiday cards! So much better than the dry old Christmas letter filled with brags and boring facts- as they say,"a picture is worth a thousand words". Let your friends and family SEE what you've accomplished over the past twelve months.

My latest project has been to create a shower invitation for a dear friend about to have her third little boy.

Elegant Script Blue Baby Shower Invitation

Create chic bridal shower invites at Shutterfly.com.

View the entire collection of cards.

Shutterfly is easy to use and lots of fun. Right now they have great promotional offers for free shipping and even free cards. Check them out and get creative!

This is typical! I always have a camera in my hands

Carnival!

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words...

Nothing says "summertime" more than a merry-go-round, a ferris wheel and a big inflatable shark!

If the Shoe Fits...

I saw my first pair of Manolo Blahniks yesterday. They were casually tossed just inside the door of my sister-in-law's million dollar home. And they were lovely. I should have taken a picture. Hell, I should have put them on and danced around her foyer just to say I'd worn a pair.

Until that moment I thought they were only something Carrie on Sex in the City would buy. I've never seen a $715 pair of shoes in real life. Or, if I have I never knew it. When you're wearing them your foot covers the label. As far as I could tell they might as well have come from Payless.

I have seen articles about shoes that cost $100,000. My first house cost only a little bit more than that! I'd like to think that even if I had millions of dollars I wouldn't waste it that way. There are so many places and people in the world in dire need. Given the choice I'd still buy cheap shoes and donate the surplus to charity. Of course, that's easy to say when its strictly hypothetical. Maybe if I had that much money I'd feel as if I deserved to keep it all for myself. However, I still doubt that I would spend it on shoes. I'm a girl for whom shoes are a necessity not a luxury. Given the choice I'd go barefoot or wear sneakers.

Fashion was a subject of great concern yesterday. The unspoken pressure to keep up with, or at least not be looked down on by, the wealthiest family members permeates the atmosphere when the female members of the family are together. Talk turns to who gets their hair styled weekly, who gets a regular mani/pedi and where the best stores are. Even the directions to the house used Talbots as a major landmark instead of say, the Wompatuck State Park, which has such a funny name you can't mistake it.

In the face of this pervasive peer pressure I bought new outfit which ironically didn't fit due to my recent dieting success. I shrugged and succumbed to my ubiquitous summer wardrobe staples - shorts and a tank top with a pair of Croc sandals. Notice how I mentioned the brand? For me, Crocs are relatively high-end. I have shoes from Target. I'm not ashamed.

Crocs can be cute. They have a nice line of sandals that look better than the standard plastic clogs. They even have sexy ankel strap styles. And, my highest priority, they are comfortable. I like them because I can wear them to the beach or the pool. If they get wet, whether its from the sprinkler or a red wine spill, they wipe clean. They don't stain or stretch. They are, for a stay at home mom, a great compromise between fashion and function. And for less than $40 they are a bargain.

Still, I feel the pressure. I would have worn the new, brand name clothes if they had fit. The pressure was most noticeable with my youngest niece. Her mother had insisted that she wear a fancy dress since it was a family party. When they arrived her other cousins were wearing cute, stylish shorts outfits. My heart went out to her, having been forced to wear ugly itchy dresses to family events when I was a child. Her parents took pity on her and her father took her on a mission of mercy to Old Navy. She returned, happily wearing a logo- emblazoned T-shirt, madras shorts and a pair of leopard flip flops. She looked adorable - more, she looked self-confident.

It's funny how clothes can impact our self-esteem. She looked very pretty in the dress her mother had chosen, but she didn't look right. The dress made her the odd one out which is always uncomfortable. At my age I can (almost) ignore peer pressure, but at twelve its impossible. My parents would have made me suck it up and stay in the dress.

I know that her parents are financially conservative. They don't spend money without consideration. Still, most of us remember feeling awkward or left out because we didn't have whatever "the" trendy item was. We all want our children to be happy.  How do you balance your values with your child's happiness? Parenting is full of tough choices and every single one comes with consequences.

I was happy that her parents sensed her discomfort and bailed her out. I think they handled it perfectly. They didn't rush right out to the high end Abercrombie & Fitch down the street so she could have the same clothes that her cousins were wearing. Old Navy was a cost effective compromise given the stores in the area. Not that I'm an advocate of buying things to solve problems or enhance self-esteem. I think in the future the cousins should text or email each other so they dress similarly, not identically, but so that they can all play volleyball if that's on the agenda.

Maybe my parents' uncompromising stand on trends helped me develop my devil my care attitude toward fashion. And maybe that attitude has helped with my sense of self-esteem. Since I was rarely dressed "right" I developed the ability to ignore fashion. I learned to feel pretty regardless of what I was wearing. However, if that was completely true my feet wouldn't have itched to get into those Manolos...

"Take the course opposite to custom and you will almost always do well. ” — Jean Jacques Rousseau.  If only that were true of fashion as well!

Take it SLOW

Today I turned the car around to help a turtle cross the street. I picked her up and moved her to the side of the road where she was headed. I wondered how many other people had driven past, around or even over her. 

It was an Eastern box turtle with a beautiful shell. Box turtles look for nesting sites in June and July, so I assume it was a female. What an amazing mother to risk so much to find the ideal nesting spot for her clutch of eggs.

I wondered if the other drivers realized what her mission was and if they would have cared. It was such a little thing to stop and move her safely across the road. It took less than 3 minutes.

When I was a kid we rescued a box turtle that had been hit by a car. We fed it berries, watermelon and raw hamburger. It grew very tame - taking bits of fruit and lettuce from our fingers. We released it in the woods at the end of our street.

Box turtles are a now protected species in most states and can't be kept as pets. They have a very long life span (50-100 years) and don't breed until they are about 10 years old. They only lay 3-6 eggs and leave the nest unguarded. Skunks, foxes and coyotes all happily eat turtle eggs if they uncover a nest. Combine this with shrinking habitats and box turtles rarer than they were when I was growing up.

We have a box turtle that lives has lived in our yard in Georgia since we moved in. I know its the same turtle because she has a scar on her shell. Eastern box turtles have a very small territory - typically less than 2 acres. It probably hibernates somewhere in the little patch of woods behind our house.  I see it every few months. Once it wandered into the garage, terrifying Danielle and cracking me up.

We're a family of turtle rescuers. Last summer Kevin helped a snapping turtle cross the road. If you've never seen a snapping turtle they have flat shells and long pointed tails. They also have long necks, quick reflexes and vice like beaks.   They're called snappers for a reason. There is no safe way to handle a snapping turtle. Kevin used a stick to scoop if up and flip it across the road. I'm not sure that I would have tried to move it if I'd been in his shoes.

A few years ago we visited Tybee Island. One of my favorite random sights was the "Turtle Crossing" sign we spied on I-80. Unlike deer crossing signs, it wasn't there to protect motorists from getting hit by turtles, but to protect the turtles from being hit by cars. Tybee's sandy beaches are a favorite nesting site for loggerhead sea turtles. We were there at the wrong season to see any turtles - we just saw the sign.

Sadly, the signs have been stolen from I-80 and turtle fatalities are up this year. I'm sure that some one decided to take the signs as a souvenir instead of just taking a photo. It's a shame because similar signs are readily available through Amazon Turtle Crossing Sign for under $10.00.

Perhaps some industrious Tybee Island merchant can stock Turtle Crossing signs and sell them to the tourists. Until then we wait for the Georgia Department of Transportation to replace the signs - and hope that people will either try stop if they can safely and help a turtle over the highway when they see one trying to cross or at least avoid hitting it.

And if you see a lump that looks like a rock in the middle of the road, slow down a little. If its a turtle, take a minute to pull over and help it across the street.

For information on Tybee Island Turtles go to http://savannahnow.com/news/2011-07-16/tybee-islands-pregnant-turtles-no-match-motorists  To help get the Turtle Crossing signs returned to Tybee Island, please contact the Georgia Department of Transportantion (GDOT) for Chatham County in District Five: District Engineer (Acting) Karon Ivery 204 North Highway 301 Jesup GA 31546.

Parking and Other Perks

Sometimes when I get off the phone with one of my closest friends, I’m struck by how different our lives have become. We grew up together in a typical, middle class suburb in Connecticut. We lived in nice subdivisions and attended public school. Neither of us stood out in any particular way.

Now she lives in a rural part of the country. And I mean rural. She raises chickens for the eggs and, occasionally, for the meat. When she wants a hot shower she chops wood and lights the burner on the boiler to heat the water. She grows her own vegetables and keeps a “parts car” in her driveway. She has three wonderful boys – all typical, healthy kids.

When I want a hot shower I turn on the faucet and wait a few minutes. When I’m hungry and tired there are places that will deliver pizza to my door. I shop at a grocery store for fresh veggies and have a mechanic repair my car. I have my two girls – one with special needs.

When we talk, my discussions about therapies, surgeries and IEPs that sound so mundane to me must strike her as surreal. Her kids get up in the morning and go to school. There are no discussions about inclusion. No meetings to arrange for adaptations. No plans to handle extended absence following surgeries.

Her boys participate in Boy Scouts and play Little League. She has never hunted for an adaptive sports league or forced her way into an organization in order to give her child a glimpse of a typical life. I’m sure she wonders how I learned to write a Medicaid application just as I wonder how (and where!) she learned to pluck a chicken.

How could two such ordinary people end up leading such extraordinary lives? Yet, most of the time neither of us sees our own life as extraordinary. I do what I have to do to give Amanda the best life I can. Just as she does what she has to in order to give her boys a good life. However, we both have to do very different things to meet those goals.

Despite our different life styles, we always make each other laugh. She can help me see the levity in a botched diagnosis just as I can help her find the humor in her daily grind. When I talk to her I realize that although my life is very different from the lives of the people around me, lots of people’s lives are different. And different isn’t always bad even when you didn’t chose it.

After all, I get great parking spaces when I travel with Amanda and I never, ever have to kill my own food.

Pick up the Pieces and Go Home

Parenting philosophies can be extremely divisive. I once had neighbors who had opposing stands on parenting and, consequently, detested each other. You could almost see their claws when they got too close to one another.

Now, I really hate being backed into a corner. It truly brings out the worst in me. I don’t understand why people demand details when I’m trying to get out of a situation gracefully. I try so hard to avoid confrontation with my white lies and evasions.

If I say “I think the kids have had enough of each other today” - please just leave it at that. Don’t go digging for details. Preschool kids are still young. They lose their tempers. They argue. They might even cry. After a while they get to a point where the best of friends can’t work things out at this age.

This is not the time to start expounding your personal philosophy for perfect parenting. It’s the time to pick up your kid, say “thanks for the play date” and go home. Don’t second guess the host parent’s motives for asking you to come get your child. I try to respect other people’s parenting choices, but there are times when I just can’t go with the flow.

It may be that when I say “the kids have had enough of each other,” I’m thinking, “I want a glass of wine after mediating between two four year olds for the past 3 hours.” Or I may really be thinking, “Your kid is a brat with no boundaries.”

Suddenly, I understand those two women from my old neighborhood. If you pressure me for the real answer about why I’ve asked you to come pick up your child, you may just get it. And then, chances are, we’ll both regret it.

Yup, those are my claws coming out...

Cyclical Friendships

We all have them: friends that come and go throughout your life. Maybe you chose different paths, live in different states, or don’t like each other’s chosen partner…  The reasons are myriad. Facebook and social networking sites have created new cycles for us. We are able to reconnect with people we haven’t seen in decades and reassess our friendship.

I seem to have two categories of friends in my life. The first are those rare few who have never left, who stuck with me through the bad haircuts, bad boyfriends and big glasses and are with me today, intimately involved in my life. They not only know my kids names, they know their birthdays.  They were there (at least in spirit) when my children were born and when my mother died. More than friends, they are my true family.

Then I have my “guy friends,” as Kevin calls them. They aren’t necessarily guys. It’s just that our friendship is more like that between two guys. We share a common interest or enjoy a common activity. Sometimes I have to tread lightly because all we share is this interest. In these cases I know that if a conversation strays unto religious or political topics we may be in trouble.

When that stage in our lives ends we grow apart; perhaps we’ll come together again, perhaps not. There is no animosity or a single breaking point – circumstances change for one or both of us and we move on along our individual paths.

I’ve had some wonderful “guy friends”. There was Melanie who taught me to ride horses in my early 30s. I was about ten years older than her. In fact, I took her out for her first legal drink. We were at different points in our lives. I was married with a job; she was still in college. I didn’t have any kids yet and so we spent a lot of time together, riding, teaching, and going to clinics with famous equestrians. It was fun and we truly enjoyed being together.  However, it didn’t extend comfortably outside of the barn.  I’ve had a lot of barn friendships over the years that ended when I left the barn.

Then there were the friends I made when Amanda was a baby. For the most part we all still live in the same town, but we have grown apart. It may be because Amanda has special needs and so she doesn’t attend our home school. It may be because some of them have gone back to work or simply found other interests now that their kids are in school all day. If I see them at all it’s a chance meeting at the grocery store or Target. I still like them. I’m always happy to see them and hear how their kids are doing. I also know that (for the most part) the “let’s get together soon” comments are sort of like when a guy would say “I’ll call you” at the end of a date. I’d be surprised if anything came of either.

Now I have Danielle and a whole new group of “guy friends.” These are women I like and admire. Strong, smart women balancing complex lives. However, I am 15 years (or more!) older than most of them. I know that under other circumstances they wouldn’t think to ask me out to a movie or over for drinks. We have no common frame of reference. Some of them were born the year that I started high school. Songs I grew up loving have always been “oldies” for them.  They didn’t know that Madonna was Catholic before she embraced Kabbalah (really?!?) They can’t remember a divided Germany with the Berlin Wall still standing or a united Soviet Union.

I’ve been down this road before. As we move deeper into summer I can already sense the shift – the start of the cycle. The kids will all be going to different schools in the fall. Some of the mothers are looking for jobs. Others are expecting another child. As the kids form new friendships so will we. Instead of talking to each other every day, now we talk once a week. Eventually it will taper off to once or twice a month and then several months may go by. We’ll still like each other. We’ll still have fun when we see each other, but we won’t see other often. Only time will tell whether we stay in touch or drift apart. And the cycle will start again with a whole new group of friends for each of us…

Fireflies

Last night Kevin's Facebook status read, "Took Amanda and Danielle out into the yard to watch the fireflies tonight. Beautiful ... and then it began to rain like crazy. Amanda loved both, so we stayed out in the rain for as long as we could." It's hard to describe how meaningful those 20 minutes were for our little family.

The last few weeks have been difficult and chaotic. We've cried more than we've laughed; yelled more than we've played. Our nerves have all been raw as a result of Amanda's trauma. People have tried to help and yet it has been impossible for us to define what we need.  Many people have sent Amanda cards or gifts. Some have brought food.

Yesterday we got the best gift of all. My Aunt Beth brought us a ramp that her son-in-law borrowed from a friend's mother. And, yes, it was important to me to specify the complete train of people involved to demonstrate how monumental this gift was. Five people, two of whom we didn't even know, collaborated to bring us a ramp so Amanda could leave the house for the first time in two weeks.

Danielle was literally dancing with joy as we laid the ramp down over the garage threshold. That seven inch step had proven an insurmountable obstacle since Amanda got home from the hospital. Danielle begged to be the first one to push Amanda down the ramp. Kevin, with some reservation, agreed.

It was early evening and the fireflies had just started flickering under the trees that line our driveway. As we walked down our very long drive, Amanda looked from side to side, grinning.

Just as we reached the end, the first drops of rain began to fall. We started to run into the garage until we noticed that Amanda was laughing. The fresh, cool rain must have felt so good on her skin. Kevin ran around in the rain, pushing Amanda while Danielle and I stood off to the side laughing. The rain washed away all the stress and tension of the past few weeks and we went back into the house a happy family again.

"'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance.."
 - Fireflies, Adam R. Young

I'm Special, too!

"I'm Special, too!" Danielle yelled the other day.

It turns out that when we euphemistically refer to Amanda as having "special needs" all Danielle hears is special. She doesn't hear the need.

As tough as it is having special needs, it is also tough having a sibling with special needs. Danielle was very scared about Amanda "breaking". She struggled with her hospitalization. The first night we came home without Amanda & Kevin Danielle said,"I can't sleep without Amanda in the room next to me." She missed her big sister.

Some days it must seem like the whole world revolves around Amanda, especially during the weeks following her emergency surgery. Amanda gets cards and gifts in the mail. People visit Amanda. They bring her presents and balloons. To a four year old it must look like one long birthday party. At her age she has no idea what happened or how much it hurt - nor should she.

I have a vague idea how she feels. As much as my parents would resent hearing it, I grew up with a brother with special needs. My brother is brilliant. I think the euphemism my parents used for him was "eccentric genius". Like Danielle loves Amanda, I adore him.

My brother is off the charts smart. However he has some quirks. For instance, he typically develops a "uniform" - jeans and a plaid shirt which he buys in multiples and wears every day. He's done this since he was a child. My mother just accepted that he preferred certain clothes over others and worked within those constraints. However, to compensate I had to wear whatever she told me to. That means that I wore dresses to school nearly every day for years. When we visited the grandparents I had to wear hideous itchy dresses because my brother would be in jeans and a plaid shirt.

My brother also only ate a very limited diet. Again, my mother adapted. She used to tell a story that once, during a PTA meeting, she heard a group of mothers discussing "the bad mother who sent her child to school with only cereal for lunch." She realized (with horror, I'm sure) that she was the "bad mother." Therefore, everyday I had to eat a sandwich on whole wheat bread with lettuce and a piece of fruit. No cereal and yodels for me.

As much as I loved my brother I also resented having to be "normal" to compensate for his eccentricities. It seemed horribly unfair to me as a child that not only did he get to wear what he wanted and eat what he wanted, but that he was the child that my parents bragged about. No matter what odd choices he made his overwhelming brilliance overcame all else in my parents eyes.

I don't want Danielle to be put in the position of overcompensating for Amanda's "needs". I don't want to force her to be smarter or more athletic to make up for the skills Amanda lacks. I want to allow her to be whomever she is, just as I accept Amanda for who she is.  In my eyes, both of my girls are SPECIAL and I hope that I can help them see that.