Friendships Change over time

Friendships Ebb & Flow Naturally

I watch my daughter flow effortlessly in and out of friendships. Her friendships are as uncomplicated as the tides. They ebb and flow based on common interests. There are no complications from political or religious viewpoints. While children make an effort not to hurt each other's feelings they have no problem disagreeing on issues. Their opinions  are limited to concrete thoughts - which is the best video game or flavor of ice cream. Their main concern is whether to play princess or ponies.

My adult friendships are so much more complicated and I wonder - "why?"

I think it's because we form opinions as we age. And, the older we get the more entrenched our opinions become. Remember being in college when you could stay up half the night debating politics? Now, I am almost immediately turned off by people whose political viewpoints don't mesh with mine.


Maintaining friendships with people who don't share your views becomes harder as you age. By our mid-forties we are fairly set in our ways. We've had years to determine what we think about the world and are prepared to defend our views.

If you listen to children introduce themselves the typical conversation goes something like this,"Hi. What's your name? Wanna play tag?" If the child is too shy to answer or says no, the kid moves on to the next person and tries again.

As adults we exchanges names, ask about career, neighborhood and where their kids go to school. All of these things help us to unconsciously paint a picture of the person. With a few quick, innocuous questions we create our initial assessment of how closely the person's viewpoints align with ours.

We can estimate their income by their job and neighborhood. This may help us determine if they share common interests and opinions. For instance, people from lower incomes may not have the resources to participate in certain activities. They are less likely to own boats,  play polo or snow ski than people from higher economic brackets. On the other hand, people with higher incomes may make us feel inferior as they may have bigger homes, fancier cars and more expensive clothing.  People from affluent areas tend to be Republicans and therefore more conservative in their political and social views.

Where the children attend school also gives us a lot of information. Does the child go to public or private school?  If the child attends a private school it may indicate that the parents are elitist or that they are deeply religious. If it's a private school is it experimental (Montessori, Waldorf, etc.) or religious? Parents who homeschool their children are typically conservative Christians. They have generally removed their children from public education because they don't believe in evolution, modern medicine and science.

 Like most people, my opinions are based on my education, upbringing and the area of the country where I was raised. They are further influenced by where I went to school, worked and lived as an adult. I am a registered Democrat, relatively liberal in my social and political views. I believe in medicine,  probability, physics and evolution. I doubt the power of prayer and question blind faith.

I have friends with religious beliefs ranging from Christian to Wiccan. For the most part I am tolerant of a wide range of religious beliefs simply because I have no strong belief of my own. I lose patience when people use their religion as a way to discriminate against others or try to convert me. At this point, I am as comfortable with my own lack of religion as I am with my political affiliation.

I think that I am fairly mainstream in my outlook, but I realize that I am only mainstream for the area of the country where I spent most of my life. Living in the Bible Belt I find myself having to swallow my views in the interest of maintaining harmony. I sometimes want to scream when a person who has been seeing a doctor to treat a condition will say that God healed them. I wonder why they bothered with doctor's visits and medical treatments if prayer is so very powerful. It seems inconsistent with their stated belief.

Part of the ebb and flow of childhood friendships is they are often short-lived. Children don't feel a need to maintain a friendship once the mutual interest has ended. I find myself struggling to maintain relationships with people who don't share my interests or even my values. Sometimes I have to maintain these "friendships" due to work relationships or mutual friends. Other times the individual has been a friend for years, but we have changed over time due to our experiences. Sometimes a friendship has simply run its course.

I was friendly with a woman with whom I routinely disagreed because our children played together. I found myself constantly struggling to politely ignore behaviors that struck me as odd or views that I considered ignorant. Her children landed in the hospital with severe dehydration from rota virus because she didn't believe in vaccinations. She hosted a "chicken pox party" to expose other unvaccinated kids to the disease. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when my daughter moved on to other friends.

I am not as tolerant as I once was. Honestly, I am tired of being friends with people who aren't like me. I hate how close-minded that sounds, but I can't ignore the truth. I do enjoy people from different cultures and backgrounds, but I am not comfortable with people who are dramatically different from me. I struggle with friends whose spouses have been arrested as I am fundamentally law-abiding. Having a medically fragile child, I struggle with people who rely on faith to make decisions that impact their child's health or welfare.

I find myself returning to the simpler childhood model of friendship. I make new friends based on common interests. I don't want to argue politics. I don't want to discuss religion. I don't want to hear about their problems or bond for life. I just want to meet someone and say,"Hi, wanna play?"

When Your Best Friend is a Bully

When Your Best Friend is a Bully

This week Danielle did something that would be hard for most adults - she broke up with her best friend.

I had seen this child hitting her with a plastic sword and forcing her to sit in the hall outside of his room. When I mentioned it to his mother (we could both see it happening) she said "that's how he treats his sister." She clearly considered it acceptable behavior.

When we got home I talked to Danielle about it. She told me that he had been shutting her in his closet and not letting her out. Kevin & I asked how she felt about that. She said that it made her sad.

We explained that no one should ever treat her like that - good friends don't put their friends in closets. She took a day to come to terms with it. Then she crossed her arms defiantly across her chest and announced that she "never, ever, ever wanted to play with him again."  I'm so proud of her for coming to that decision on her own and being able to walk away.

When I tried to talk to the mother about it her response was "oh, kids will be kids" and "its just a game."

NO -it's not. It's not a game when one person feels bad. It's bullying.

I had a bully for a best friend when I was a child. The difference is that I never told my parents. My best friend from 2nd grade through 8th grade insulted me, hit me and kicked me. She made me feel like I deserved to be treated that way. As we got older she told me that I was ugly and stupid. To this day I am ashamed to admit that it happened. I'm ashamed that I never told anyone. I'm even ashamed to be admitting it now - 35 years later.

Looking back I realize that my friend grew up in a tempestuous household. Chances are very good that she was being abused and taking her aggression out on me. It makes me wonder what is happening at Danielle's friend's house. I'm so glad that this didn't get out of hand and damage her self-esteem for years.

I grew up in an era where we chanted "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." Bullying was a fact of childhood life in the 1970s. I know my brother was bullied. I doubt my parents realized that I was, too because I never told them.

That's why I'm so proud of Danielle. The courage it takes to stand up to a bully is phenomenal. Now I know that she is strong enough to handle almost anything that comes her way - and smart enough to tell us when she can't handle it alone. My brave girl.

http://www.eyesonbullying.org/childcare.html

The Firefly Party

Firefly Party

"Fireflies" by Owl City*

You would not believe your eyes

If ten million fireflies

Lit up the world as I fell asleep...

I confess - I love Fireflies. I love their almost magical blinking,  like fairies flickering in the night.

Growing up we had several acres of meadow behind our house. Fireflies winked in and out of the long grasses all summer long. I remember laying on the lawn with my brother trying to count them. Now fireflies are endangered due to diminishing habitats. Increased use of pesticides and well-manicured lawns give fireflies nowhere to hide during the day (an excuse to stop mowing the lawn in late June!)

In a tribute to the long summer nights of my childhood we've invited some friends over for an informal Firefly Party. We've invited everyone for dusk - about 8:00 PM. We're close to the Central Time Zone and approaching the longest day of the year so true dark isn't until almost 9:00 PM. Pretty late for five year olds! I've suggested that the kids all wear PJs and bug spray.

The party is all about light, but we don't want to flood the yard with artificial light because that will make it hard for the fireflies to signal each other. And they need to signal each other to find a mate.

Decorating will be simple. We'll set up tiki torches and string white lights. Light up balloons and Sky Lanterns from WalMart complete the decorations.We'll pitch a tent on the lawn and light our fire pit.

Since it is an impromptu party we'll keep the food simple: s'mores and bug juice for the kids. We'll have chips, veggies and dip for adults who don't want s'mores. I was happy to discover a true Southern specialty, Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka for the adult drinks! Inspired by a drink I ordered at Disney World, blinking "ice" cubes in every one's drink will add the finishing touch.

We'll give the kids glow sticks and bug jars from Dollar Tree. I even discovered some glow in the dark bubbles! At the end of the party we'll light the Sky lanterns and each family will send one into the night sky with their wish.
 

Kid's Bug Juice Recipe

• 2 10-oz. packages frozen strawberries, defrosted and pureed in a blender
• 1 6-oz. can lemonade concentrate, thawed
• 1 qt. ginger ale or Sprite

Firefly Half and Half
(This is basically an alcoholic Arnold Palmer.)

• 3 oz. Firefly Sweet Tea Flavored Vodka
• 3 oz. Lemonade
• One Lemon Twist

*this song is my ringtone when my husband calls

  

This was our wish lantern lighting from New Year's Eve 2011.

Kid's Cinco de Mayo Fiesta!

I think I'd host a party every month if I could afford it. As it is I try to host 3-4 parties a year that aren't birthday parties. I work to keep these casual parties informal, fun and most of all frugal.

Our Cinco de Mayo party was a great example of an inexpensive family friendly get together. We're lucky that May is a warm (sometimes hot!) month in Georgia so we could host our party outside. That meant a minimum of cooking and cleaning for me before the party.

It also allowed me to keep the decorations very minimal. We decorated the back deck with some chili pepper pennants and metallic swirls from Dollar Tree and bought a big sombrero!

The rest of the theme was carried by the menu. We served some wonderful margaritas for the adults - and punch in plastic margarita cups for the kids. Chips, salsa and cheese dips as well as cut veggies completed the snacks.

The main course was quesadillas (for the kids), chicken cottage cheese enchiladas and a black bean & corn salad. If you've never made them quesadillas are just Mexican grilled cheese sandwiches. Simply grill a flour tortilla in a little butter, melt cheese on it and cover with another flour tortilla. Flip to brown both sides and you're done! Of course, you can add other fillings like grilled onions, peppers, etc. but my kids are quesadilla purists.

The black bean & corn salad can be thrown together in just a few minutes. Rinse & drain a can of black beans, add a cup of frozen corn, a dash of cumin and a squeeze of fresh lime. Let stand for corn to fully defrost, then toss and serve. The corn will also place a quick-chill as it defrosts -- no need to refrigerate!

We finished our meal with no egg Mexican brownies. Any brownie mix can be made "Mexican" by adding a teaspoon of cinnamon and a tiny pinch of cayenne.

Chicken Cottage Cheese Enchiladas

• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• 2 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - boiled and shredded
• 1 (7 ounce) can diced tomatoes with green chile peppers
• 1 (1 ounce) package taco seasoning mix
• 1/2 cup sour cream
• 2 cups cottage cheese
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 pinch ground black pepper
• 12 (6 inch) corn tortillas
• 2 cups shredded Monterey Jack or Cheddar cheese
• 1 (10 ounce) can red enchilada sauce

Heat oil in a large skillet. Add chicken and saute until browned, then add taco seasoning and diced tomatoes.

In a medium bowl mix sour cream with cottage cheese and season with salt and pepper; stir until well blended.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

Place a spoonful of meat mixture, a spoonful of cheese mixture and a bit of shredded cheese into each tortilla. Roll tortillas and place in a lightly greased 9x13 inch baking dish. Top with any remaining meat and cheese mixture, enchilada sauce and shredded cheese.

Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 30 minutes or until cheese is melted and bubbly.

NO EGG Mexican Brownies

• 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
• 1 cup water
• 1/2 cup butter
• 1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 2 cups white sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 
• pinch - up to 1/8 teaspoon- cayenne pepper (optional)
• 1/2 cup chocolate chips

1.    Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease a 9x13 inch pan. In a heavy saucepan combine the 1/3 cup of flour and water. Cook over medium heat stirring constantly until thick. Transfer to a mixing bowl and set aside to cool.

In a small saucepan, melt butter. When butter has melted, add the cocoa and mix until smooth; set aside to cool. Beat the sugar and vanilla into the cooled flour mixture. Stir in the cocoa mixture until well blended. Combine the flour, baking powder and salt and spices, stir into the batter until just blended. Fold in chips if desired. Spread evenly in the prepared pan

Walt Disney World - Magic Tricks (Not Rocket Science)

I am NOT a Disney expert by any means! In 6 weeks we'll embark on our third trip to Walt Disney World. We're fortunate that we live within a day's drive so the travel expense is minimal. A tank of gas, eight hours and a great deal of patience - and we're there!

Luckily, right now my girls like a lot of the same things - Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Disney Princesses and simple rides. I think this may be the last easy trip before my youngest outgrows my older daughter's interests. Its an odd truth to be facing. So, I feel like making the most of this trip.

There are almost as many blogs and websites about traveling to WDW as there are travelers. My perspective is unique primarily in that I will be traveling with a teenager with special needs and a preschooler. Also, I'm very budget conscious. I wish I had the money to rent a 2 bedroom suite at the Grand Floridian (currently a "mere" $2,285/night), but I don't. And, truthfully, probably wouldn't if I did.

I do understand the appeal of the Disney Experience. They offer a great deal - especially if you have to fly. You can take a Disney shuttle from the airport to your lodging and use Disney transportation for the rest of your stay - saving the cost of a rental car and daily theme park parking (totalling about $250). A full-size car rental will cost approximately $156 for six days and parking will cost roughly $90. Remember - you only have to pay to park ONCE per day -save your receipt if you leave the park and return to either the same park or a different park on the sae day.

Staying at a Disney Resort gives you lots of amenities - a beautiful lobby and pool, on site restaurants and shops, proximity to parks or park transportation. You get to use any other resort pool or amenity - so you can go to the outdoor movie at Fort Wilderness one night if you want. You also get some small services like delivery of any park purchases to your resort so you don't have to carry bags all day or worry about your souvenirs being stolen. And, of course, the Extra Magic Hours that allow you to arrive early or stay late at a particular park.

As a family we have personal preferences that may not suit everyone. For instance, we tend to like to sleep in til about 9AM and the girls go to bed around 10PM so the Extra Magic Hours wouldn't give us any advantage. Since we don't have to worry about renting a car we prefer to rent a house rather than stay in a Disney resort. Any Disney guest (even those not staying on property) can use the Disney transportation - monorail, boats, etc. so we can still move easily between parks, etc. if we chose to. It isn't entirely about budget although it looks that way on first glance. Right now (April 2012) a Disney Value resort with Quick Service Dining plan is $276/night (not including taxes) for a family of four. A night at a Disney Moderate resort with  is $348 - or $2,088 for 6 days (not including taxes.)

We rented a three bedroom house with a private pool  for  $115/ night. That's $805 for six nights (not including taxes). The difference in cost is $851 less than the Value option and $1,283 from the Moderate plan. We will, of course, have to pay for all of our meals out of pocket. I think the Moderate plan is a good deal if you plan on eating all of your meals at the park - for example, a character meal (table service) would cost our family (3 adults and 1 child) about $200.

The Moderate plan costs includes 6 snacks, 6 Quick Service meals and 6 Table Service meals per person during those 6 days.  However, if you choose to use your plan at certain places - Cinderella's Table, Signature Restaurants and Dinner Shows - it will  "cost" 2 meals per person per event. If you use your meal plan for any of these you need to add the cost of at least one additional meal to your budget. Similarly, if your family wants to eat 3 meals a day as well as a snack you will need to budget for additional meals. If you have bought into the Disney Experience all of these will by default have to be on Disney property since you won't have a car. The Value plan doesn't include the ability to attend any prepaid Character or Signature meals. So if your kids want breakfast with Mickey, you'll need to pay for it privately, just like I will. Somehow, I bet most people end up buying a few extra meals or snacks even if they are on one of the Dining Plans. Who knows? Maybe they buy cold cereal and PB&J and just eat in their room a couple of times.


It's easy to spend to $200 a day for a family of 4 to eat on Disney property (1 character meal and you're there) which would make the cost of the house vs. the hotel even over 6 nights. Having done this before I know that we will eat breakfast at the house as well as some dinners and snacks. The cost is no different than our regular grocery bill - probably $100- 150 for the week. That leaves me with $1,043 (after theme park parking) in the budget before I hit the same cost as the Moderate plan. We will eat a few meals and snacks at the parks when we are hungry or staying longer than we planned. We also will have the ability to eat at local restaurants or even Burger King if we feel like it. It is possible that we will spend an additional $175/day on food, but unlikely. Which is one of the reasons we rent a house.

Floor plan Caribbean Beach Resort

The other is SPACE. We like not only having a kitchen, but three bedrooms and a living room. We don't have to go to bed when our kids do just because we're all crammed into the same room. A typical room at Disney's Caribbean Beach Resort  is about 340 square feet. These are among the largest rooms on Disney property that aren't suites or villas. The house we're renting is approximately 1500 square feet. My oldest doesn't do well in the heat so we typically go back to the house in the middle of the day.

With a house we can spread out. Amanda can play on the computer or watch TV. Danielle can watch a different TV, nap or swim. Kevin & I can read, swim, watch TV.  We've rented houses in several places. This year we are returning to a house we rented through Florida Spirit Vacation Homes. In addition to a full kitchen and 3 bedrooms we'll have a private pool, washer & dryer, 2 full baths and 4 TVs. Another advantage for our family is that everything is on a single floor- no messing with transport, elevators, long walks etc. pushing a wheelchair every time one of us wants a meal or a swim.

Floor plan of the house we're renting

Minor Miracles

Minor Miracles - Adaptive Softball League

This article first appeared on the Exceptional Parent website in April, 2008. We owe special thanks to so many of Amanda's teachers and paraprofessionals who volunteer their time to Miracle League!

We are very fortunate to have an adaptive softball league near our home. The North Metro Miracle League (NMML) provides inclusive adapted sports for children and adults of all abilities. As their website states, “Each of the NMML players has an on field Buddy to assist with the things the player’s disability makes difficult or impossible. The resulting interaction between buddy and player is an essential part of our mission. We want to remove the barriers to inclusion, accommodation and friendship that often arise just because a person has a disability.”

Amanda has been playing softball with NMML for six seasons now. The environment at the games is relaxed and supportive. During the first season she spent most of the game crying and trying to escape the field. Amanda rarely expresses emotion. It is as unusual for her to cry as it is for her to laugh or smile. My husband and I had to reassure ourselves on every drive home that we were doing a good thing.

During Amanda’s second season, another dad called out, “Way not to cry, Amanda!” There couldn’t be a nicer group of people involved in children’s sports. Everyone cheers as each player walks, rolls or is carried into home plate. There is no score. Still, we felt awful taking her.

We told each other that Miracle League was a good form of exercise for a child who has difficulty walking. We discussed the value of fresh air and socialization with her peers. We’d quote Tom Hanks from the movie A League of Their Own, and remind Amanda, “There’s no crying in baseball.” But mainly, we felt terrible that every Saturday morning we forced our little girl to do something that made her cry in the name of “fun”.

Of course, Saturday morning softball wasn’t the only time that we’ve had to force Amanda to do things she doesn’t want to do. We made her go to therapy several times a week for years. We’ve taken her to have multiple surgeries. In a way, going to baseball toughened us up for all of the other things we had to do for Amanda's benefit.

The most surprising outcome of our participation in North Metro Miracle League has been Amanda’s friendship with Erin. A typical teenager, Erin is Amanda’s first and best friend. For the past three years, Erin has been spending her Saturday mornings acting as Amanda’s Miracle League buddy.

With Erin’s gentle guidance, Amanda stopped crying during games. She even began to cooperate. Now she looks forward to going every Saturday morning. At the beginning of this fall season Erin called to let Amanda know that she was going to be her buddy again. Amanda was so happy that she made a card for Erin. Amanda never draws or colors voluntarily. That in itself was a minor miracle.

Erin’s friendship has expanded beyond the baseball field. She has helped us out at home - she even came to Amanda’s birthday party! Due to her disabilities, Amanda finds social interactions difficult. However, Erin never makes Amanda feel different. They enjoy each other’s company and smile when they are together. Just as the website promised, playing softball really did remove a barrier to friendship for Amanda. As far as we’re concerned, more than exercise or fresh air that has been the biggest miracle to come out of the North Metro Miracle League.

Spring Break Atlanta Stay-cation

Spring Break Atlanta Stay-cation

We're staying home during Spring Break this year. Mainly because the one time we went away for the week of Spring Break the return traffic (from Florida to Atlanta) was insane - the trip home took 3 hours longer than the trip down. I know it's not a novel idea. As a child we never went anywhere for school breaks. I think sometimes as parents we feel that we "have" to make vacations special. The beauty of this plan is that it is special. It allows late mornings, lazy afternoons laying the grass looking at the clouds, ball games in the yard and al fresco dinners on our back deck. So relaxing!

I researched all sorts of things to do within an hour of our home, a suburb north of Atlanta. I debated some farther trips - like Chattanooga, TN but discarded the idea. I found plenty of free or low cost activities within an hour of home. Some of the things we did were every day things. We went to the local mall and had soft pretzels and ice cream cones. We window shopped, watched videos in the Disney Store and rode the carousel. Total cost about $20. One afternoon we went swimming at our local YMCA.

We have are lucky enough to have two nice nature centers close to home- Autrey Mill Preserve and Chattachoochee Nature Center. Located on 46 acres of ravine forest Autrey Mill is FREE to explore the historic homes and nature paths.  The Visitor Center is accessible and houses several tanks of snakes, lizards and frogs. Outside there are ducks. For a small donation you can get a cup of duck feed and the ducks will adore you. None of the historic homes or trails are wheelchair accessible but its a fun place to spend an hour - longer if you aren't mobility impaired. Some of the trails lead to a replicas of a Native American lodge and tee pee as well as a beautiful stream. They offer a number of historical and nature programs for about $5.00/person.

Chattahoochee Nature Center offers several walking trails including a boardwalk path, animal encounters and a nice play area.They a licensed rehabilitation center for native raptors, mammals and reptiles so you can see more than 50 different species that were rehabilitated, but unable to be safely returned to the wild. Chattahoochee charges $8.00 per adult and $5.00 per child to visit. We were able to bring a wheelchair to the Nature Center and along the boardwalk. The remainder of the Center wasn't accessible. Still, a great afternoon for under $30.
 
Another great FREE Atlanta destination is the Fernbank Science Center which houses a small museum, a planetarium (cost $4/adults, $3 kids ) and on Thursday & Friday nights an observatory open to the public. It is all wheelchair accessible. Nearby is the FREE Fernbank Forest which has 1½ miles of paved trails through 65 acres relatively undisturbed forest in the middle of Atlanta. Fernbank Rose Garden is also FREE and a lovely place for a quiet walk.

Because we live outside of a major metropolitan area there are a number of large tourist attractions. Our big splurge was to get annual family memberships to three local attractions. All are withing about an hour of home and will pay for themselves in 2 visits. We joined Fernbank Museum (see my previous blog)-family Membership cost $95- and Zoo Atlanta - family membership cost $99 (you can get a $10 discount online).
 
Zoo Atlanta is fully paved with (for the most part) gradual slopes. The path between the Backyard Habitat and the Children's Zoo is extremely steep and I wouldn't recommend taking it if you are pushing a wheelchair or stroller. The rest of the park is easily accessible by wheelchair. However, disabled parking is very limited - causing many visitors to become pretty aggressive about getting a space. We tried to go this week but were beat out of a parking spot despite waiting and having our turn signal on. So much for Southern hospitality!

I love Zoo Atlanta, despite the difficult parking. It is a modern Zoo with roomy naturalistic habitats for the animals to enjoy. One of the best things about being a member is free admission to the 2 member nights offered each year. Its wonderful to explore the Zoo in the evenings. The animals are often more active as the temperatures are cooler. Members Only Nights also feature live entertainment and special animal encounters- which my girls love!

For the first time we also bought season passes to Stone Mountain Park. Stone Mountain is a truly weird place - its a gigantic monument dedicated to the fallen leaders of the Confederacy. The carving depicts Confederate President Jefferson Davis, General Robert E. Lee and Lt. General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson. It is literally carved into the side of a mountain - the South's own answer to Mount Rushmore. Really - it's not my goal to glamorize the secession and all it stood for. The annual pass lets us explore the various park exhibits and rides like the SkyRide and Gesyer Towers anytime we want throughout the year.  Stone Mountain houses a petting zoo, has a petting zoo attached to the Antebellum Plantation and Farmyard attraction. The farmyard offers a live show with trained goats and sheep.

My goal in going to Stone Mountain is to desensitize Danielle to fireworks before we head to one of those overpriced theme parks later in the year. Stone Mountain has a lasershow most nights during school vacations and on weekends. Despite living in the area for 15 years, we've never been to the show. You don't have to join to see the show - its FREE, sort of. You still need to pay the $10 park admission (parking fee). You can bring your own chairs and blankets. I didn't know that when I joined...  

I would encourage everyone to follow our model if you can. Most areas have unique, fun local spots to explore. Consider searching for a nature center, a playhouse, a puppet theater or a local history or children's museum. For less than the cost of two days at a theme park we had a week of great experiences as well as opportunities for a year of family fun through our new memberships.

Are there Any Novel Egg Hunt Ideas?

There isn't really too much you can write about an Egg Hunt that everyone doesn't already know. The premise is simple and straightforward - fill plastic eggs with toys and candy, hide them, and let the kids loose to find them.

I looked for ways to vary the process, even searching multiple blogs and websites. The funniest I found had an adult in an Easter Bunny costume getting out of a helicopter. Let's just say that isn't within my budget. Friends offered great suggestions like filling eggs with clues to find a large prize or personalizing eggs with significant events from the guests' lives over the past year. I'm not close friends with everyone we invited so that one might prove tricky. In the end, I decided to stick with the basics. As they say, "why mess with success?"

When I sent out the invitation I was careful to call it an EGG HUNT rather than an Easter Egg Hunt. My brother's family is Jewish and my parents always held a "robin's egg hunt" for his kids so they could have the fun of the hunt without the religious overtones. Since some of our friends are Jewish and Hindu I was hoping they wouldn't think it was a Christian conversion scheme (since I'm not a practicing anything.) I just want to see the kids run around like mad things, fill them up with sugar and send them home hyper.

I know that some people may object to my genericizing the event, however I am not holding it on Easter or even on a Sunday. Having done a little research it appears that there may be pagan origins to the tradition of hunting for eggs in the spring. Also, hard boiled eggs are traditionally part of the Jewish Passover celebration so who am I to say that egg hunts should be limited to little Christian kids? I certainly don't limit my children's friends to only little Christians.

Now, how many plastic eggs do you need for 26 kids? I purchased almost 600. That's roughly 23 eggs per child. How long do you think it will take them all to be a found? A friend commented, " Every Easter egg hunt I've ever been to has lasted about 90 seconds...'" I know things that last less than 90 seconds and are worth doing! (C'mon folks, think....)

We felt that it was important for us to provide the filled eggs as they were the focal point of the party. Filling 600 plastic eggs isn't exactly cheap - figure about 5-10 cents an egg and do the math. Someone suggested that I use the spare change I found around the house to fill the eggs instead of candy. I realized that a better idea would be to use the change to pay for the candy! I came up with almost $20 in change -more than enough to fill the eggs.

Knowing that the kids will all immediately plop down on the grass and eat whatever candy they find in the eggs I assumed that I didn't have to provide much more in the way of food or at least desserts.  Instead of a meal we'll offer drinks and light snacks. Friends generously offered to bring treats to share. 

The Stuff Kids Lose

I love this time of year. The winter is coming to an end, the flowers are starting to bloom and there is so much to look forward to!

First we get to pick summer camps and plan vacations. Danielle is already signed up for a day camp at Out of The Box Art Studio. She'll need to bring a painting shirt or smock and her lunch box every day.

I'm not sure whether Amanda will be going to summer school or camp this year, but either way she is likely to be spending time with people who don't know her well. I'm not going to risk a repeat of last year when she was sent to the wrong school and no one knew who she was.With a nonverbal, autistic child labelling every item is a necessity. I even have one on Amanda's IPad. 

In addition to camps, next year Danielle will be attending a school that requires she wear a uniform. I'm thrilled because it means no more early morning battles or weird outfits (today she wore a striped dress with striped tights!) It also means that a lost coat is probably really lost. You can't exactly call the school and say, "Ours is the navy fleece jacket with the monogram" when that's what everyone has to wear.

So - naturally that means we need labels. I never have to think twice about where to buy my girls' labels. I'm a Mabel's Labels BuzzMama because they are really the best labels I've ever tried. They stick to anything and everything. With summer fast approaching  its time to order more.  They have a camp combo that comes in great colors with cute camping icons like a campfire or a canoe.

I love the color choices and fun icons. My favorites are the dolphin and the flower. However, Danielle has already chosen her icon - a tiara! How typical of her- the more glamour, the better. I think I'll order Danielle a Basic Combo Kit that comes with metal bag tags as well as stickers for her shoes.  And for Amanda, a set of skinny minis with a heart since her name means "beloved".


Disclaimer: As a Mabel’s Labels Buzzmama I'm acting as a volunteer ambassador spreading the word about products and company. I may receive free products in exchange for my involvement in the program.

Children's Mardi Gras Parade & Party

Years ago when we lived in New England and didn't have any kids I hosted a Mardi Gras party. It was very unusual in cold New England. I ordered beads and doubloons from New Orleans. I even had a King Cake Fed Exed to our house on the day of the party. We wore costumes, drank highly alcoholic hurricanes and danced.

Last year I brought back our Mardi Gras party, carefully converted for kids. No hurricanes, but we kept the beads and dancing. I made King Cakes since I was dealing with the ubiquitous egg allergy. Everyone had a great time despite a bit of rain.

We had the kids come in their leftover Halloween costumes, with bikes and scooters. We had supplies for anyone who wanted to add decorations - balloons, streamers, feathers, etc. Then the kids all paraded around our neighborhood. It worked really well for us because we could drive Amanda in the golf cart.

This year Mardi Gras is early (February 21, 2012) and I'm tempting fate by having our party in the park. For me that means no cleaning! And, unfortunately, no golf cart for Amanda so we'll be decorating her wheelchair. For my guests that may mean colder weather and nowhere to warm up. We'll see how it goes.

The party was more elaborate last year. We had a craft - decorate your own Mardi Gras mask or crown  - and a pinata. In addition to the King Cakes I made a vegetarian Jambalaya. We also gave everyone strands of beads from Dollar Tree (4 for $1).

This year I'm hoping that the playground equipment will provide enough entertainment so I won't need a craft. I'm also making it potluck so there is very little cooking involved. I've offered to provide "beads and beverages." Because I have streamers and other decorations left over from last year I estimate that I can keep the budget to about $30 - less than $1 per person!

Despite what "New Orleanians" may think, King Cake is really just a big cinnamon roll when you read the recipe. This one comes together very quickly. It is very moist, egg free and - best part for me- requires no yeast. For some reason yeast breads make me nervous.

NO EGG CINNAMON ROLL KING CAKE RECIPE

3/4 cup cottage cheese
1/3 cup buttermilk (or regular milk with 1 Tbsp vinegar or lemon juice to total 1/3 cup)
1/4 cup sugar 
4 Tbs. butter, melted
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 cups flour; more for rolling
1 Tbs. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. baking soda

For the filling:

1-1/2 Tbs. unsalted butter, melted
2/3 cup packed light brown sugar
1-1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon

For the glaze:

2/3 cup confectioners' sugar
2 to 3 Tbs. milk
1 tsp. vanilla extract

________________________________________
eat the oven to 400°F. Grease a cooking sheet.

Combine the cottage cheese, buttermilk, sugar, melted butter, and vanilla. Add the flour, baking powder, salt, and baking soda and mix until the dough clumps together. The dough will be soft and moist.

Scrape the dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead it with floured hands 4 or 5 times until smooth. With a rolling pin, roll the dough into a 12x15-inch rectangle.

Brush the dough with the melted butter, leaving a narrow border unbuttered around the edges. In a medium bowl, combine the brown sugar & cinnamon. Sprinkle the mixture over the buttered area of the dough and pat gently into the surface.
 Starting at a long edge, roll up the dough jelly-roll style. Pinch the seam to seal, and leave the ends open. Bend into a ring

Bake until golden brown and firm to the touch, 20 to 28 minutes. Set the pan on a wire rack to cool for 5 minutes.

In a small bowl, mix the confectioners’ sugar, 2 Tbs. milk, and vanilla to make a smooth glaze. It should have a thick but pourable consistency, so add up to 1 Tbs. more milk if necessary. Drizzle and sprinkle with yellow, green & purple colored sugars.

Different Dreams

 

Parenting a Child with Special Needs

This seems somewhat unfinished to me. Maybe it's because I wrote I wrote it when Amanda was only 6 years old...

My life is dramatically different than I ever imagined it would be. I suppose that’s true for a great many people. Only people with clear vision and great drive end up pursuing their dreams.

 I’m not sure I ever had a dream. Or if I did I was only aware of it that way you are when you are first awake and your dreams are half-remembered. As soon as you try to articulate them they slip away.

When I was younger I wanted to be many things. Some of them realistic, some not. I wanted to be a writer, a poet, an actor, a lawyer, a mother… I left the idea of law school behind when I foolishly entered an MBA program in my early twenties. I was probably the least mathematically inclined student to ever be enrolled in business school.

Still, I intrepidly entered the business world armed with the softest business discipline I could find – human resources. Fortunately for me, I landed in a position that focused on developing employee training programs. A good fit for some one who enjoyed research, writing and lots of attention. I spent several years as a corporate trainer, occasionally flying around the country to conduct multi-day seminars. I liked it. I was good at it. I had a job with flexibility, good pay - where people often clapped for me at the end of the day.

In the summer of 1998 I was six months pregnant and planning on a maternity leave of 9 months. Then the unimaginable happened. I went to a routine prenatal exam and my first ultrasound. Everything was fine. However, when I got home there was a message on my answering machine from the doctor I had just left with six scary words, “we need to see you again.”

As it turned out, after reviewing my ultrasound the doctor spotted what appeared to be a cardiac abnormality. My husband had a business trip and flew off the morning of my level two ultrasound appointment. Neither of us expected them to find anything more serious than a heart murmur. Still, in the back of my mind I knew my mother had lost her first baby to a congenital heart defect.

The memory of that appointment still has a nightmarish quality to it. At first things seemed to be going well. The attendant asked if I had brought a videotape so I could see the baby at home. I hadn’t. I figured that was good news. No one would want to send me home with a video of a horribly disfigured baby.

The doctor looked at the ultrasound and mumbled to himself a little. Then he left the room. I tried to determine what I was looking at on the screen. It was a fuzzy black and white picture, worse than the picture on the TV I grew up with in the 70s. I could roughly make out the ribs and things moving. The doctor came back with another doctor. Then they both left. Now I was getting scared. They came back with a third doctor. "What could be so awful that my unborn baby needs three doctors?" I worried to myself.

All three doctors left and the first one came back alone. He sat down on the edge of the gurney and reached for my hand. "Oh shit," I thought, "this is going to be really bad". He calmly explained that it looked like the blood was flowing backwards through part of my baby’s heart. After consulting with his colleagues they felt our child had only three chambers to her heart instead of the usual four. This meant all sorts of bad things that I couldn’t process. All that stuck in my head was the phrase “cardiac defects are rarely in isolation” meaning that my baby could have a bigger problem than missing part of her heart.

They wheeled me down the corridor and announced that they needed to do an amniocentesis. I didn’t think of the potential complications, oddly all I thought of was that I was in a HMO and I hadn’t gotten authorization for an amnio. I grabbed the side of the door frame and made them call my insurance company for an approval before I let them take me in. I remember jumping off the gurney in maternity pants and a sports bra, threatening to use the phone in the lobby unless some one called the insurance company RIGHT AWAY. I guess I thought it would be an expensive procedure. More likely, it was my subconscious way of trying to avoid it all together.

As it turned out the amniocentesis was normal. Only later did I learn that amnios test for only a fraction of the existing genetic disorders. I spent the remainder of my pregnancy worried about my baby’s heart, but feeling confident that over all she would be fine. I stopped working because the doctors were concerned I would go into labor out of state and wouldn’t have the necessary medical facilities for the baby close by.

There’s no need to go into the labor or delivery. Just trust me when I say they weren’t normal. With a life flight crew standing by to wing my newborn away the minute she showed complications the delivery room was more like a stage – with a dozen doctors and nurses standing by.

Amazingly Amanda didn’t need immediate heart surgery. As it turned out although her heart isn’t structured just like ours (parts that should go around apparently go through it instead) it works. Feeling grateful that we had dodged not a bullet but a cannonball we were took her home with us after only five days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.

As first time parents, a thousand miles from our families, we had no idea there was anything still “wrong” with her until she was six months old. While she was rolling from side to side she had difficulty raising her head from the floor while lying on her tummy and she couldn’t sit unsupported. If we sat her up she just sort of melted into a prone position. We bolstered her in her car seat and her high chair with old towels and cloth diapers.

After complaining to the pediatrician that Amanda’s head seemed unusually flat on one side she sent us to a pediatric neurosurgeon. To say the man was an unfeeling jerk would be a compliment. To this day he was the most insensitive doctor or specialist we’ve seen. He looked at her, announced that she had Down’s syndrome and would “always be funny looking” so he didn’t feel it was appropriate to prescribe a corrective helmet for her. Our beautiful baby – funny looking? I don’t think the man will ever know how close he came to being decked by my 6’4” husband that day. The only positive thing to come out of that appointment was that I was able to persuade our regular pediatrician that Amanda needed physical therapy for tortocullis.

Little did I realize the treadmill I stepped on that day! We’ve spent the last 13 years in and out of various therapies, most with little or no impact. She’s had physical therapy for gross motor skills like sitting and walking, occupational therapy for fine motor skills, speech therapy, feeding therapy, aqua therapy, music therapy and hippotherapy (therapy on horseback). I freely admit that I tried some of these simply because I was frustrated with conventional therapy and thought that if the poor child had to spend seven hours a week with specialists at least some of that time should be fun.

Hippotherapy

Fun is hard to come by for some of us. Many of our kids can’t run and play the way other children do. Others don’t even understand the concept of play as we typically mean it. Holidays can bring as much pain as they do joy. Surrounded by the typical members of your family and their typical offspring, the stress can be almost unbearable. Physically impaired children may not be able to open their gifts without assistance. Cognitively challenged children may find the wrapping paper the most interesting part of any gift for years. Emotionally challenged children may just find the difference of a holiday too much to bear and close in on themselves.

Relatives don’t understand why tactile defensive little Suzie doesn’t love her fluffy new teddy bear or why Bobby has gone off in the corner to play Game Boy by himself. The children are stressed, the relatives are confused and the parents are in the middle trying to soothe everybody’s feelings.

It’s hard to explain to some one who has never raised a child with special needs what this life is like. While all children with special needs are different, as families we share many of the same experiences. All of us have known the disappointment of shattered dreams, learning to live outside of the norm and still try to function like a normal family. The cycle of doctors, therapists and specialists is exhausting for everyone involved. There is a financial burden and an emotional burden. There are days when you see a spark in your child that lets you hope they will some day be able to blend into the mainstream despite this difficult beginning. There are other days when you wonder if anything you’ve said or done has made a difference.

Aqua Therapy

You constantly have to recreate hope. Some of us do it by switching doctors or therapists or types of therapy. Some of us try alternative medicines, special diets or novel therapies. You constantly feel like you have to do more, do better and then maybe your child will be all right.

Sometimes you just quit. You take a week, a month or even a year off. You try to live like other people who don’t have a therapy appointment every day after school and two on Saturdays. Then something happens and you wake up, re-shoulder your burden and move on.

I’ve used the word burden several times and I don’t regret it. But children with special needs are often the source of unexpected joy as well. Who knows better the miracle of a first step than the parents who have waited five years for it? When your autistic child suddenly makes eye contact and you KNOW he loves you the world stops for a few seconds and tears run down your cheeks. By having so many of the normal joys of raising a child taken away from us we learn to appreciate moments that other parents may overlook. We've learned to dream differently.