Friendships Change over time

Friendships Ebb & Flow Naturally

I watch my daughter flow effortlessly in and out of friendships. Her friendships are as uncomplicated as the tides. They ebb and flow based on common interests. There are no complications from political or religious viewpoints. While children make an effort not to hurt each other's feelings they have no problem disagreeing on issues. Their opinions  are limited to concrete thoughts - which is the best video game or flavor of ice cream. Their main concern is whether to play princess or ponies.

My adult friendships are so much more complicated and I wonder - "why?"

I think it's because we form opinions as we age. And, the older we get the more entrenched our opinions become. Remember being in college when you could stay up half the night debating politics? Now, I am almost immediately turned off by people whose political viewpoints don't mesh with mine.


Maintaining friendships with people who don't share your views becomes harder as you age. By our mid-forties we are fairly set in our ways. We've had years to determine what we think about the world and are prepared to defend our views.

If you listen to children introduce themselves the typical conversation goes something like this,"Hi. What's your name? Wanna play tag?" If the child is too shy to answer or says no, the kid moves on to the next person and tries again.

As adults we exchanges names, ask about career, neighborhood and where their kids go to school. All of these things help us to unconsciously paint a picture of the person. With a few quick, innocuous questions we create our initial assessment of how closely the person's viewpoints align with ours.

We can estimate their income by their job and neighborhood. This may help us determine if they share common interests and opinions. For instance, people from lower incomes may not have the resources to participate in certain activities. They are less likely to own boats,  play polo or snow ski than people from higher economic brackets. On the other hand, people with higher incomes may make us feel inferior as they may have bigger homes, fancier cars and more expensive clothing.  People from affluent areas tend to be Republicans and therefore more conservative in their political and social views.

Where the children attend school also gives us a lot of information. Does the child go to public or private school?  If the child attends a private school it may indicate that the parents are elitist or that they are deeply religious. If it's a private school is it experimental (Montessori, Waldorf, etc.) or religious? Parents who homeschool their children are typically conservative Christians. They have generally removed their children from public education because they don't believe in evolution, modern medicine and science.

 Like most people, my opinions are based on my education, upbringing and the area of the country where I was raised. They are further influenced by where I went to school, worked and lived as an adult. I am a registered Democrat, relatively liberal in my social and political views. I believe in medicine,  probability, physics and evolution. I doubt the power of prayer and question blind faith.

I have friends with religious beliefs ranging from Christian to Wiccan. For the most part I am tolerant of a wide range of religious beliefs simply because I have no strong belief of my own. I lose patience when people use their religion as a way to discriminate against others or try to convert me. At this point, I am as comfortable with my own lack of religion as I am with my political affiliation.

I think that I am fairly mainstream in my outlook, but I realize that I am only mainstream for the area of the country where I spent most of my life. Living in the Bible Belt I find myself having to swallow my views in the interest of maintaining harmony. I sometimes want to scream when a person who has been seeing a doctor to treat a condition will say that God healed them. I wonder why they bothered with doctor's visits and medical treatments if prayer is so very powerful. It seems inconsistent with their stated belief.

Part of the ebb and flow of childhood friendships is they are often short-lived. Children don't feel a need to maintain a friendship once the mutual interest has ended. I find myself struggling to maintain relationships with people who don't share my interests or even my values. Sometimes I have to maintain these "friendships" due to work relationships or mutual friends. Other times the individual has been a friend for years, but we have changed over time due to our experiences. Sometimes a friendship has simply run its course.

I was friendly with a woman with whom I routinely disagreed because our children played together. I found myself constantly struggling to politely ignore behaviors that struck me as odd or views that I considered ignorant. Her children landed in the hospital with severe dehydration from rota virus because she didn't believe in vaccinations. She hosted a "chicken pox party" to expose other unvaccinated kids to the disease. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when my daughter moved on to other friends.

I am not as tolerant as I once was. Honestly, I am tired of being friends with people who aren't like me. I hate how close-minded that sounds, but I can't ignore the truth. I do enjoy people from different cultures and backgrounds, but I am not comfortable with people who are dramatically different from me. I struggle with friends whose spouses have been arrested as I am fundamentally law-abiding. Having a medically fragile child, I struggle with people who rely on faith to make decisions that impact their child's health or welfare.

I find myself returning to the simpler childhood model of friendship. I make new friends based on common interests. I don't want to argue politics. I don't want to discuss religion. I don't want to hear about their problems or bond for life. I just want to meet someone and say,"Hi, wanna play?"