"I'm Special, too!" Danielle yelled the other day.
It turns out that when we euphemistically refer to Amanda as having "special needs" all Danielle hears is special. She doesn't hear the need.
As tough as it is having special needs, it is also tough having a sibling with special needs. Danielle was very scared about Amanda "breaking". She struggled with her hospitalization. The first night we came home without Amanda & Kevin Danielle said,"I can't sleep without Amanda in the room next to me." She missed her big sister.
Some days it must seem like the whole world revolves around Amanda, especially during the weeks following her emergency surgery. Amanda gets cards and gifts in the mail. People visit Amanda. They bring her presents and balloons. To a four year old it must look like one long birthday party. At her age she has no idea what happened or how much it hurt - nor should she.
I have a vague idea how she feels. As much as my parents would resent hearing it, I grew up with a brother with special needs. My brother is brilliant. I think the euphemism my parents used for him was "eccentric genius". Like Danielle loves Amanda, I adore him.
My brother is off the charts smart. However he has some quirks. For instance, he typically develops a "uniform" - jeans and a plaid shirt which he buys in multiples and wears every day. He's done this since he was a child. My mother just accepted that he preferred certain clothes over others and worked within those constraints. However, to compensate I had to wear whatever she told me to. That means that I wore dresses to school nearly every day for years. When we visited the grandparents I had to wear hideous itchy dresses because my brother would be in jeans and a plaid shirt.
My brother also only ate a very limited diet. Again, my mother adapted. She used to tell a story that once, during a PTA meeting, she heard a group of mothers discussing "the bad mother who sent her child to school with only cereal for lunch." She realized (with horror, I'm sure) that she was the "bad mother." Therefore, everyday I had to eat a sandwich on whole wheat bread with lettuce and a piece of fruit. No cereal and yodels for me.
As much as I loved my brother I also resented having to be "normal" to compensate for his eccentricities. It seemed horribly unfair to me as a child that not only did he get to wear what he wanted and eat what he wanted, but that he was the child that my parents bragged about. No matter what odd choices he made his overwhelming brilliance overcame all else in my parents eyes.
It turns out that when we euphemistically refer to Amanda as having "special needs" all Danielle hears is special. She doesn't hear the need.
As tough as it is having special needs, it is also tough having a sibling with special needs. Danielle was very scared about Amanda "breaking". She struggled with her hospitalization. The first night we came home without Amanda & Kevin Danielle said,"I can't sleep without Amanda in the room next to me." She missed her big sister.
Some days it must seem like the whole world revolves around Amanda, especially during the weeks following her emergency surgery. Amanda gets cards and gifts in the mail. People visit Amanda. They bring her presents and balloons. To a four year old it must look like one long birthday party. At her age she has no idea what happened or how much it hurt - nor should she.
I have a vague idea how she feels. As much as my parents would resent hearing it, I grew up with a brother with special needs. My brother is brilliant. I think the euphemism my parents used for him was "eccentric genius". Like Danielle loves Amanda, I adore him.
My brother is off the charts smart. However he has some quirks. For instance, he typically develops a "uniform" - jeans and a plaid shirt which he buys in multiples and wears every day. He's done this since he was a child. My mother just accepted that he preferred certain clothes over others and worked within those constraints. However, to compensate I had to wear whatever she told me to. That means that I wore dresses to school nearly every day for years. When we visited the grandparents I had to wear hideous itchy dresses because my brother would be in jeans and a plaid shirt.
My brother also only ate a very limited diet. Again, my mother adapted. She used to tell a story that once, during a PTA meeting, she heard a group of mothers discussing "the bad mother who sent her child to school with only cereal for lunch." She realized (with horror, I'm sure) that she was the "bad mother." Therefore, everyday I had to eat a sandwich on whole wheat bread with lettuce and a piece of fruit. No cereal and yodels for me.
As much as I loved my brother I also resented having to be "normal" to compensate for his eccentricities. It seemed horribly unfair to me as a child that not only did he get to wear what he wanted and eat what he wanted, but that he was the child that my parents bragged about. No matter what odd choices he made his overwhelming brilliance overcame all else in my parents eyes.
I don't want Danielle to be put in the position of overcompensating for Amanda's "needs". I don't want to force her to be smarter or more athletic to make up for the skills Amanda lacks. I want to allow her to be whomever she is, just as I accept Amanda for who she is. In my eyes, both of my girls are SPECIAL and I hope that I can help them see that.
I can't imagine that your girls would ever feel anything but special.
ReplyDeleteGosh, I was so unaware as a child...I remember something about Jon & cereal..there was a list on the fridge of new foods that he would try. Lucky Charms did not go over well. But, I never gave it a thought that there could be anything odd about it, or him. I do remember thinking that he was so very smart...like an older "scientist" would be. The thing that struck me as unusual & neat was that you had a big piano in the kitchen! Am i remembering correctly?
Love you guys.