"Can you do me a favor?"
My mother taught me to answer, "Probably - what do you need?" Her theory was that you didn't want to immediately say "yes" in case they asked you for a kidney or to be a bone marrow donor. Unlikely, I know, but what if they asked for $1,000 or to borrow your car for a month? Would you have already wanted to say "yes" before you knew what the request was? Some questions require consideration or even a little clever evasion rather than an immediate response.
For instance the "can you believe..." questions. You probably can believe whatever it is, but you know better than to say yes. For instance, if I ask you "can you believe she thinks I'm hot tempered?" Well, you & I both know that I am. We also both know if you say,"Yes, actually I've been thinking of suggesting that you get some anger management counseling" you're going to see more of that hot temper.
The same goes for questions like "Can you believe she said that I dress badly?" or "Can you believe I ate an entire pizza by myself last night?" It doesn't matter if the questioner dresses like a street-walker from the 1970s or if she tips that scales at 250 pounds. Trust me, you do not want to be the one who tells your 50 year old friend she looks ridiculous in thigh high boots and leggings. If you are a friend you feign amazement and say, "Really!?!?"
That single word is an effective evasion. It's tempting to add to this simple response -but try not to! Don't go overboard and tell your friend that she is one of the best dressed people you've ever seen.
Not that there aren't times when a little fabrication is helpful. We've all reassured a friend that that she is just big boned or that no one really looks good if they are too thin. When we care about some one we care about their feelings and that leads to the little white lies we tell.
I've got a few more evasive responses in my arsenal. "That's interesting" is very useful. It avoids having to agree or disagree with a statement. Very few people are going to argue with you if you say that their religious or political views are "interesting" and then politely change the topic. However, if you tell someone that that their beliefs are foolish or short-sighted you can pretty much guarantee you're in for a lengthy justification of exactly why they think or feel the way they do.
If a friend tells you that pranic healing closed an open wound before her eyes or she saw the face of Jesus in her french toast, simply respond "that's interesting." Unless of course, you don't like her, in which case tell her what you really think. It's a surefire way to get wackos out of your life.
Another stock phrase that I learned from Kevin is "I hear you." Say someone tells you a story about how angry they are that they got a reckless driving ticket for talking on their cell phone while going 70 miles an hour down the highway. You can of course tell her that you've always thought she was a speed demon and can't believe this is the first time she's been caught. Or, you can say, "I hear you." Would telling her change anything ? Would it elminate the ticket or get her to slow down? Probably not. Sometimes its better to keep your thoughts to yourself.
The same goes for the urge to provide "constructive criticism." Face it, folks, this is a complete oxymoron - "a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms". No criticism is constructive. Feedback may be constructive; a critique may be constructive. Criticism is just... critical. People are going to get defensive. Feelings are going to get hurt. And, in the end, they are not going to follow your suggestions. So, why go there? Remember what your mother told you, "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all."
Included in this is the natural desire to "correct" people. If your friend is devastated about a medical condition, don't pull out your copy of the Merck Manual and tell her that all will be well. Shut up and listen. She's not asking for your medical advice, she's asking for your compassion. A friend will give her what she needs. These are the polite fictions that prevent the fabric of our friendships from unraveling.
My mother taught me to answer, "Probably - what do you need?" Her theory was that you didn't want to immediately say "yes" in case they asked you for a kidney or to be a bone marrow donor. Unlikely, I know, but what if they asked for $1,000 or to borrow your car for a month? Would you have already wanted to say "yes" before you knew what the request was? Some questions require consideration or even a little clever evasion rather than an immediate response.
For instance the "can you believe..." questions. You probably can believe whatever it is, but you know better than to say yes. For instance, if I ask you "can you believe she thinks I'm hot tempered?" Well, you & I both know that I am. We also both know if you say,"Yes, actually I've been thinking of suggesting that you get some anger management counseling" you're going to see more of that hot temper.
The same goes for questions like "Can you believe she said that I dress badly?" or "Can you believe I ate an entire pizza by myself last night?" It doesn't matter if the questioner dresses like a street-walker from the 1970s or if she tips that scales at 250 pounds. Trust me, you do not want to be the one who tells your 50 year old friend she looks ridiculous in thigh high boots and leggings. If you are a friend you feign amazement and say, "Really!?!?"
That single word is an effective evasion. It's tempting to add to this simple response -but try not to! Don't go overboard and tell your friend that she is one of the best dressed people you've ever seen.
Not that there aren't times when a little fabrication is helpful. We've all reassured a friend that that she is just big boned or that no one really looks good if they are too thin. When we care about some one we care about their feelings and that leads to the little white lies we tell.
I've got a few more evasive responses in my arsenal. "That's interesting" is very useful. It avoids having to agree or disagree with a statement. Very few people are going to argue with you if you say that their religious or political views are "interesting" and then politely change the topic. However, if you tell someone that that their beliefs are foolish or short-sighted you can pretty much guarantee you're in for a lengthy justification of exactly why they think or feel the way they do.
Another stock phrase that I learned from Kevin is "I hear you." Say someone tells you a story about how angry they are that they got a reckless driving ticket for talking on their cell phone while going 70 miles an hour down the highway. You can of course tell her that you've always thought she was a speed demon and can't believe this is the first time she's been caught. Or, you can say, "I hear you." Would telling her change anything ? Would it elminate the ticket or get her to slow down? Probably not. Sometimes its better to keep your thoughts to yourself.
The same goes for the urge to provide "constructive criticism." Face it, folks, this is a complete oxymoron - "a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms". No criticism is constructive. Feedback may be constructive; a critique may be constructive. Criticism is just... critical. People are going to get defensive. Feelings are going to get hurt. And, in the end, they are not going to follow your suggestions. So, why go there? Remember what your mother told you, "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all."
Included in this is the natural desire to "correct" people. If your friend is devastated about a medical condition, don't pull out your copy of the Merck Manual and tell her that all will be well. Shut up and listen. She's not asking for your medical advice, she's asking for your compassion. A friend will give her what she needs. These are the polite fictions that prevent the fabric of our friendships from unraveling.
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